This is alot better than what you had before, but it still lacks a consistent rhythm and other than the lead, it's barren with nothing but alot of echo.
I made some edits here:
Let's be fair, you did ask for "feedback, questions, comments, concerns, criticism, or edits!", of which he gave all but 1. There's no need to take it personally and try and defend it with "yeah, it's a WIP" (if anything, that further validates his response, as this means you can easily change it).
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